This month, I'll rollerskate while sarcastically collecting stamps and popping seafood flavored popcorn while flossing.

In the weeks since "Talk Like A Pirate" day, I must have developed an accute sensitivity to bizarre "appreciation" days and "awareness" months and whatnot, because everywhere I go I am bombarded with cute little ribbons people think I should buy to support "herpes awareness week" or "MILF appreciation day".

I don't know... maybe it's just me, but everytime I see a poster commemorating some nasty disease prevention month, I just get the ickies. It really doesn't help the hypochondria. I mean, these awareness campaigns actually work. I'm now really, really aware that there are many diseases out there I had never worried about before. I'm buying little rubber charity bracelets like they're going out of style (well, you know what I mean) and I'm still spending large amounts of time teeth-grinding, feeling itchy, and obsessing over tiny moles. This is not. a. good. thing.

So, in an attempt to educate myself out of my thoughts of certain death, I turned to the Internet. This turned out not to be such a good idea either, as my first search resulted in me clicking on a page containing material that was not only not work-safe, but also went in to FAR too much detail about the methods by which many diseases are transmitted. Mucus membranes galore. Don't judge me... it was an accident.

Anyway, the search was ultimately fruitful and a little funny, as I discovered that there really IS a National Prune Breakfast Month (January)-- that's right, folks -- someone is actually suggesting that we ALL eat prunes for breakfast the whole month of January. And spend most of the month supressing gag reflexes and standing in line for the one dirty bathroom in an office building full of people with gas. Pleasant.

Now that I am fully armed with information on what precisely I (and you) should be aware of every day of every week of every month of every year, I deliver to you... the month of October:

AIDS Awareness Month
Breast Cancer Awareness Month
Crime Prevention Month
Disability Awareness Month
Energy Awareness Month
Fire Prevention Month
National Book Month
National Chili Month
National Construction Toy Month
National Cookie Month
National Dental Hygiene Month
National Popcorn Poppin' Month
National Roller Skating Month
National Seafood Month
Sarcasm Awareness Month
Stamp Collecting Month
UNICEF Month