August 15, 2005

Three things I learned this month

1. If you accidentally spray SprayMount in your eye, it terrifies you but amazingly does not glue your eye shut. Also, it doesn't seem to affect vision, at least not immediately. It does, however, make it absolutely necessary to pull out a tiny hand-mirror and fuss over your eyelashes for at least one full minute before bravely reverting to the lower-tech but lower-risk Glue-Stic to finish the job.

2. If you hold it on a plane from NY to San Francisco because you have the window seat and there is a small, strange asian man in a flashy suit sitting to the left of you who keeps falling asleep on your shoulder, who is sitting next to a Hulk-esque tattooed man who smells like cheap cologne and keeps winking at you/attempting to initiate conversation over the sleeping asian man, you are at statistically significant risk of developing a bladder infection, but are 100% likely to not have to crawl, all crotch and knees, over these complete strangers to use the tiny dirty closet toilet, which makes it worth it.

3. If you pet a bulldog on the street, the bulldog will like it, which you will know because the bulldog will snort in your face, flinging mucous all over the front part of your body. This includes your head, which suprises you because you underestimated the blowing power of the bulldog due to his shortness. You will make a mental note not to judge books by their covers. If you then add high-pitched baby-talking to the petting in an effort to cover up the embarrassing fact that the bulldog just covered you in spit, the bulldog will really like it, which you will know because the bulldog will flop on its back and show you it's "little pink thing", which is way more disgusting than the very disgusting mucous thing he did the first time. There is no covering this up, so you'll just say something like "Oh, gosh, there, little buddy!" or something equally lame, and shuffle off, mortified. This is the part where you might even shed an embarrassed tear, if it weren’t for the SprayMount Incident, which you just now discover has completely closed off your tear ducts, which makes you have to pee.

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mandyflynn9768 said...
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