August 24, 2006

Fanny Pack Freakout

Please, God. Not this.

Look, I am relatively fashion-forward, when my budget will allow. I know, I know, I'm a consumer whore -- and how! But I like fashion and accessories and shoes and delightful girly goodies like that. It makes me happy, because it's pretty and shiny and new. I make no excuses for this whoreism.

But I'm afraid the trendy buck is stopping here. It is coming, in fact, to a screeching fucking halt, and this is why:

It's. A. Fanny. Pack. "Waist bag" my ass.

Speaking of ass, like mine needs another one (in the form of a fanny-pack) resting on top of it! What the hell?

Who has ever looked good in a fanny pack? Maybe Lindsy "Skeletor" Lohan or Nicole "Breastbone" Richie, but honestly, if you technically should be hospitalized, I don't think you count, here. Right?

AND, as if skinny jeans weren't enough, leggings are back. What is with that trend? Didn't we get enough of it, zipper-ankle jeans, aqua-net and shoulder pads in the eighties? Ooooh, no. I guess not. Because leggings (the ass's worst nightmare) are back, with a vengence.

...

Alright, I'll admit it: own some. And I even found a great minidress to wear them under, with heels, when I'm in NY or downtown and am feeling like taking a particularly confident fashion risk.


But I swear to God, I'm burning it ALL, now that I discovered the goddamn Marc Jacobs "waist bag" pictured above. I mean, it's worse than the momentary nationwide fascination with UGGS, (retarded "surf boots" made of sheepskin, worn with swimsuits, and intended for barefoot wear), for chrissakes.

I'm hyperventilating, I think. Anyone have some Xanax?

If these things come back I might not be able to leave my house at all this season -- I may be forced to just stay inside and wait out the hideous trends of the moment while doing Buns of Steel and Tae Bo videos in hypercolor sweatsuits, practicing Scientology while accidentally cutting myself on my slap bracelets and eating Dip'n'Dots.

...

Have a nice, fanny-pack-free, day.

4 comments:

the Expatriate said...

hahahahahahaha. I laugh at the "fashionable" fanny pack, and at your post as well. I am a... well, not a LONG-time, reader, but certainly a regular one, and also a fellow blogger who looks up to you. thanks for inspiring a brother, and read the blog if you like (it's still in it's infancy, but you can enjoy if you like).

Chuckles said...

SLAP BRACELETS!

Those were the SHIT. I found one when I was moving the last of my stuff out of my folks' house a few years ago. Good times.

Fanny packs were never cool. They just scream, MUG ME! The ultimate sign of weakness to the predators stalking the herds of wild nerds in my junior high school.

UGGS should have been called URGES. My urge to kill rises to dizzying heights whenever I see them. Fucking designer damn moon boots.

Trebuchet said...

Hello, Ex. You are fortunate, in that your constant laughing will probably extend your lifespan considerably. Good for you! And thanks for being here, in nerd-land, with me. Dig the rhymes.

Chuckie: I am with you, brother. Fanny packs are to criminals as a bleeding swimmer is to a shark: A veritable invitation to assault.

Chuckles said...

I saw a bunch of fanny packs this weekend on the mountain. Not even cool or useful there.