New: Condom instructions for children!

I have now officially looked at the instructions for the use of a condom twice in my life.

[If you are anticipating a debauchery-filled, scanadlous post detailing tawdry sexcapades, sorry to dissapoint. This post is about the instructions for the use of a condom, not about my personal use of condom(s). At least, that's the plan so far...]

The first time I read condom instructions was when I was like 12 years old, in sex ed, along with every other 12 year old girl and boy I grew up eating paste and getting into recess food fights with. (So embarrassing. Thank you, public schools, for that.)

I was terrified at that time not just of the STD's we kept learning about and the "pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of a grape" childbirth analogies, but also of condoms and most of all of the reported size of the object the condom was intended to cover. During this class, we were all required to open a condom package, and read the instructions step by step, while putting the condom on our psuedo man-parts: bananas. On top of fear at the sheer size of our bananas, we were also incredibly intimidated (and giggly) about the phraseology used. It was technical, and titillatingly icky:

"Base of the penis."
"Seminal fluid."
"After ejaculation."

Eeew, yes. But accurate.

The second time I read a condom wrapper was yesterday. A girlfriend and I, fascinated by the ads for those vibrating rings that have been advertised by Trojan of late, swung through the sundries aisle while on a run through the drugstore. On a whim and out of sheer curiosity, we bought one. (You can, by the way, learn more about them HERE). I don't know, somehow a hard, thumb-sized piece of jiggling hard plastic doesn't seem that spiffy to me, but different strokes, right? Anyway...

Once in the car, I immediately opened up our little curiosity, discovering not only that the ring itself has a tiny little battery and can be used to buzz your woman into ecstacy until it poops out, but that it came packaged with a condom and instructions for use.

We almost skipped the condom instructions in favor of the little buzzy thing instructions, until some bizarre cartoon illustrations and keywords caught our eyes.

Now, instead of the technical terms for body parts, fluids, and actions -- appropriate for first-intercourse-ready 17-27 year olds, the instructions appear to be written for a 13 year old with a bad mouth and "street cred":

"leave space at the tip to hold your cum."
"Unroll the condom all the way down to the hair."
"After sex, pull out right after you come."

Yeah. Uber Eeeew!! "Come"? "Pull out"? My God. Pretty sure those are not scientifically-appropriate words. Suddenly condom wrappers have gotten near-pornographic, and I, for one, feel like a Republican grandma about it.

Besides the gross-out instructions, there are now pictures of the sex act with these line drawings that are incredibly anatomically incorrect (For example, in real life, the tool should be larger than the jewels, I'm pretty sure) with the exception of hair, which is drawn with disgusting accuracy, and absolutely no regard for the common practice of trimming for aesthetic purposes.

I'm pretty sure I have good reason to be afraid about the future of our gene pool, based on who is apparently sexually active these days, according to Trojan.

::shudder::

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go hold Listerine in my mouth until my gag reflex goes away (or my teeth dissolve, one of the two).