September 21, 2006

New: Condom instructions for children!

I have now officially looked at the instructions for the use of a condom twice in my life.

[If you are anticipating a debauchery-filled, scanadlous post detailing tawdry sexcapades, sorry to dissapoint. This post is about the instructions for the use of a condom, not about my personal use of condom(s). At least, that's the plan so far...]

The first time I read condom instructions was when I was like 12 years old, in sex ed, along with every other 12 year old girl and boy I grew up eating paste and getting into recess food fights with. (So embarrassing. Thank you, public schools, for that.)

I was terrified at that time not just of the STD's we kept learning about and the "pushing a watermelon out of a hole the size of a grape" childbirth analogies, but also of condoms and most of all of the reported size of the object the condom was intended to cover. During this class, we were all required to open a condom package, and read the instructions step by step, while putting the condom on our psuedo man-parts: bananas. On top of fear at the sheer size of our bananas, we were also incredibly intimidated (and giggly) about the phraseology used. It was technical, and titillatingly icky:

"Base of the penis."
"Seminal fluid."
"After ejaculation."

Eeew, yes. But accurate.

The second time I read a condom wrapper was yesterday. A girlfriend and I, fascinated by the ads for those vibrating rings that have been advertised by Trojan of late, swung through the sundries aisle while on a run through the drugstore. On a whim and out of sheer curiosity, we bought one. (You can, by the way, learn more about them HERE). I don't know, somehow a hard, thumb-sized piece of jiggling hard plastic doesn't seem that spiffy to me, but different strokes, right? Anyway...

Once in the car, I immediately opened up our little curiosity, discovering not only that the ring itself has a tiny little battery and can be used to buzz your woman into ecstacy until it poops out, but that it came packaged with a condom and instructions for use.

We almost skipped the condom instructions in favor of the little buzzy thing instructions, until some bizarre cartoon illustrations and keywords caught our eyes.

Now, instead of the technical terms for body parts, fluids, and actions -- appropriate for first-intercourse-ready 17-27 year olds, the instructions appear to be written for a 13 year old with a bad mouth and "street cred":

"leave space at the tip to hold your cum."
"Unroll the condom all the way down to the hair."
"After sex, pull out right after you come."

Yeah. Uber Eeeew!! "Come"? "Pull out"? My God. Pretty sure those are not scientifically-appropriate words. Suddenly condom wrappers have gotten near-pornographic, and I, for one, feel like a Republican grandma about it.

Besides the gross-out instructions, there are now pictures of the sex act with these line drawings that are incredibly anatomically incorrect (For example, in real life, the tool should be larger than the jewels, I'm pretty sure) with the exception of hair, which is drawn with disgusting accuracy, and absolutely no regard for the common practice of trimming for aesthetic purposes.

I'm pretty sure I have good reason to be afraid about the future of our gene pool, based on who is apparently sexually active these days, according to Trojan.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go hold Listerine in my mouth until my gag reflex goes away (or my teeth dissolve, one of the two).


jali said...

I followed the link. Look what I found: "* Trojan® Vibrating Ring is not for sale in AL, CO, GA, KS, LA, MS, TX or VA."

Still laughing since I can't imagine why not. I live in GA. I wonder if there's a blackmarket in this stuff here that I'm unaware of.

Anonymous said...

I can't buy a vibrating ring b/c I live in VA. What a bunch of crap.

Trebuchet said...

Ha! I love you guys. That is the wierdest thing ever. I am very sorry for you. Perhaps I can mail you one?

ShadowAngel said...

Huh, a disposable vibrator. Who woulda thunk it? And how come *I* didn't think of it! Damn! LOL

BTW, there are really _no_ safety regulations regarding sex toys, even battery powered ones, so you are warned.
Then again, you don't hear of too many (manufactured) sex-toy-related injuries or deaths.

I guess they had to make the instructions more accessible, but I figure that if you aren't smart enough to read and understand the "technical" directions, you're probably not smart enough to have sex.

I'm so glad I never had to do that "banana" thing! Then again, a lot of 14 and 15-year-old girls ended up pregnant in my school...

Nattie said...

ohhhhhh, the hilarity!!!

I've looked at those in the drug store....almost bought one, but didn't.....but I am curious to know if you used it and if it made much of a difference.
*And they're available in all Canadian provinces!!!* Maybe I can make some money exporting vibrating condom rings....Hmmmmmm......

Trebuchet said...

Nattie -- Nope, sorry to dissapoint. Just opened it, ogled it, threw it against a wall to see if it would stick, and then took out the buzzy part and let the cat chase it across the kitchen floor.

But we thought that was funny, so I guess it was worth the cash...

Anonymous said...

wut the fuk does any of it is sex, any type of censorship is crap, censoring sex means that you censor humanity.

Mallory said...

Ok I'm actually looking for the 27 formal steps to applying a condom and came upon this article and the same thing happened to me, read a condom wrapper when i was really young, and for the 2nd time about 2 weeks ago when I bought a vibrating condom ring. Well... to answer your questions there are a lot of warnings such as penile hemotoma and tingle-fission and if i were a guy after reading it i'd never put it on my penis. Ohh they are fun to try, but I think their build up in excitement of them made me slightly disappointed in thier preformance. So try it for yourself if you dare the warnings page is pretty scary.

Anonymous said...