February 01, 2006

Monkey Love

If you are very perceptive, or very bored, you will notice that I have included a new link in my "What I'm Reading" section on the right. (That's >>>>>>>>> this-a-way, >>>>>>> guys. >>>>>>>>>>>>).

Now, in addition to my daily dose of technology, secrets, humor, "news" and general rubbish, I'll be ingesting a little monkey, too. There's just something about monkeys that gets me every time. They're like that friend you have who gets way too drunk everytime you see them and makes strange noises and alternates between being the most intelligent and the most prehistoric person you've ever interacted with but that you keep hanging out with because they're just so fascinatingly unpredictable.

Or maybe it's that I feel sorry for them, as they got evolutionarily screwed. WE use our opposable thumbs for all sorts of wonderful things, like kite flying and beer drinking and writing and video games and sports and whatnot. THEY are stuck using their digits to throw feces at each other, eat bugs off their mates' backs, and escape leopards and whatnot. I mean, I know some of you are going to argue that the monkeys have it better than us, but you're not going to convince me. I'm close personal friends with one gorilla at the zoo who spends her days eating the same mouthfull of alfalfa, regurgitating it back into her hand and re-eating it. I wish I were making that up, but I'm not.

And I also know from personal experience that, given the opportunity, male monkeys would gladly forsake their hairy, noisy, smelly female counterparts for some homo sapien lovin', which is just another way we've one-upped our heavy-browed cousins.

I'm not making this up, either. I actually speak vicariously through the experience of a close friend of mine and her husband, who had an unfortunate monkey run-in while spending a leisurely day at the zoo. A monkey fell in love with her. It went something like this:

Briana, observing the monkeys, approached the glass to take a closer look at a large male, seated on the other side of it. As she approached, Big Boy got right up against the glass. Briana put her hand up on the glass, and Big Boy did the same, while stroking the glass in front of her with his other hand. (Very Romeo and Juliet remake, isn't it?).

At this point, Briana excitedly called to her husband to come look.

B: "Honey! Look! The monkey is trying to hold my hand!"
H: ::walks up behind her:: "He likes you, doesn't he? Cool, Briana."
B: ::still holding her hands up against the glass:: "Isn't it sweet? Aaawwwww..."
H: ::puts his arm around his wife::
Monkey: ::hair bristles, straightens up, and begins pouding madly on the glass with his huge, oversized Kong arms while showing his large, pointy teeth like a drunk, jealous, homicidal boyfriend, screeching and leering at Briana's husband, causing the human couple to jump away from the glass in honest-to-God-horror::

When Briana retells this story in front of her husband, she gets this adorably panicky look on her face. She was actually afraid her ape-love was going to break through the glass and assault her humanoid life partner. The best part, though, is that her husband still gets really pissed about it. He was actually threatened by the monkey, and offended that the monkey was obsessed enough with his wife to fight him for her. He still says things like "I could have taken that monkey. I know I could have!".

At The Daily Monkey", you'll be able to indulge in a little mokey-love along with myself and Jessica Alba .

Here's how the creators of Daily Monkey describe their mission:

"The Daily Monkey is what you've always wanted but you didn't know was possible. Every day, or an approximation thereof, we* post an image** of a monkey*** as well as a quote or some other piece of text that relates in some way to monkeys. We will almost always try to make this humorous, but sometimes, as we all know, the world takes a serious turn and we are no different.

Eventually, sooner than later, we hope to make this thing all geeky what with a real archive (I want it to look like a little calendar) and an RSS feed. Why do we do all this? Because we care. You need monkey, we're here for you.

* By "we," I mean me, Brian Biggs, and him, Jason Burrell.

** By "image," we mean any photo, drawing, animation, shadow apparition, or the like. Anything goes. You think you have something worthwhile? Send it or post a link in the comments. we'll consider it for posting and if we feel like it, we'll even give you credit.

*** By "monkey," we mean any ape or simian, new world or old, dead or alive or toy, or pretty much anything else that we, at that moment in time, consider "monkey-ish.""

Anyway, enjoy your daily dose of monkey, folks. I know I will. And pour a little out for our long-tailed, short nosed homies. After all, we might be related.


auntiegrav said...

One of my favorite bumper stickers of all time was on a little car with a cute girl driving: "Monkeys steal my underwear at night."

auntiegrav said...

Saw in the paper this morning: preview showing of the new movie "Show Me The Monkey"....
Are you excited?

Trebuchet said...


The Bourbon Samurai said...

That is hi-larious. I bet that monkey would have taken the guy down. Monkeys are strong.