March 24, 2006

"Be David Caruso in 'Jade'."

My foot is healed. Thank you for your concern. I still haven't caught the little/enormous creature who bit me, but trust me: I'm trying. Have you ever seen Spider Tape? That stuff is all over my house. When I catch that spider, he's in serious trouble.

In other news, a reader (Lebatron) recently pointed me to his blog, which I took a peek at today. If you read the post linked above, you'll find that he has figured out that women love mysterious confidence (a tactic I refer to as MC). Which reminded me of my friend, who I affectionately refer to as "The Guppy", and how he discovered the wonders of well-executed MC.

For those of you unfamiliar with MC: Even men with serious shortcomings (peg legs, wives, lobotomies, unemployment, a criminal record or a combover) can, by properly executing the MC, get women. Jealous witnesses find this mysterious. Also, it IS mysterious. Hence the name.

Anyway, The Guppy is the most awkward man on the planet in typical social situations. He does this thing where he just sorta opens and closes his mouth with big, surprised eyes when it's his turn to talk, letting a few nonsensical syllables slip out before wilting like a snotty tissue and darting away. The Guppy is reasonably good looking and doesn't drink, but he has a crappy job, no drive, plays videogames 8-15 hours per day, is totally nerdy but has a very small vocabulary and totally lacks a sense of style. He is terrified of women, who throw him into intense Guppy mode, down to the damp, dead-fish handshake. He just has absolutely zero game.

I'm embarrassed how often I refer to the movie "40 Year Old Virgin", as I didn't even find it that funny, but there's a scene where Andy Stitzer gets some advice from his friend on how to talk to women. His friend's advice is to " David Caruso in Jade". <<<<< David Caruso in Jade, obviously. Guppy must have watched this movie. Either that, or he stumbled into his golden ticket.

You see, one night, the Guppy decided to throw a few drinks back at party we dragged him out to. Well, it turns out that alcohol magically turns off all the little ticks and causes Guppy to just stand and brood, which (to the disbelief of the noisy "look at me" type guys there) attracted the attention of two very beautiful, if a little scandalous, girls who spent the greater part of the night competing for his attention. Finally, something in him must have clicked, because he totally pulled an epic MC:

With both hands, one pointed at each girl, Guppy made the "come hither" motion with his pointer fingers. He then turned and strode into a back bedroom. He didn't say a single word. I don't even think he smiled. 35 minutes later he emerged, drunk and disheveled, saying things like "I didn't know where to put my hands!" and "What did I just do?". Yes, folks, the Guppy had a threesome-esque encounter -- almost by accident. He learned (and taught all the other male witnesses present) an invaluable lesson in the MC.

You see, with MC, it is possible to convince women (particularly dense, desperate or drunk women) that you are entirely as cool and desireable as you wish you actually were.

Have a good weekend! (And try it out, Caruso. It's a gem.)


kojak said...

Nice to see you take my post and go the extra mile. That's a great story. I haven't watched Jade. I'll check it out sometime. Thanks for the good read.

Ron said...

yea. looks like i'll have to see that too...if not solely for the mere discovery of a social anomaly..

Mister Underhill said...

"With both hands, one pointed at each girl, Guppy made the "come hither" motion with his pointer fingers. "

Wow, that is pretty impressive.

Confidence always seemed like such an odd thing to me for wimmins to find attractive. I guess I have it in a certain odd way, and when I can manage to be genuinely unapathetic enough my general apathy appears to be confident. Or something.

Still, simply he's the fonz or something. I will have to try that some day.

Ron said...

it works...just call them over, bang on the broken jukebox and viola!

unbonhomme said...

Sheesh. I'm adding Jade to my Netflix Q. Right. NOW!

I've not seen it in years and think that I need to polish up the skillz.

Mister Underhill said...

"bang on the broken jukebox"

The more I think of it, the more the name happy days makes sense!

Trebuchet said...

You guys slay me. Thank you for keeping things interesting in the absence of a new post. Something's coming soon. In the meantime, "come hither Caruso" at your own risk, and if you get slapped, remember that I take zero responsibility for your failure to launch, OK?

Mister Underhill said...

I kind of like it rough.

unbonhomme said...

Everyone needs a good SMACK now and again.


Pat McLellan said...

I practically invented MC. I assure you it works. It’s all about the swagger. The “it,” factor can propel even the less fortunate to sexual encounters, and if they’re lucky, love. How do you think those slapdicks you see in the mall with knockouts scored them? Well, either they’re hung like Kevin Bacon, or they have MC. This is totally unrelated, but I am 96% sure I just saw a wolf run by my window. Yep, that’s a wolf. I need to go lock my door…be right back. Okay, my MC is completely depleted, as I am now terrified that this wolf will figure out how to get into my place, and bite my shins with an unparalleled aggression. I wonder if I let him bite me, will I turn into Mid-Twenties Wolf? Then, I could play in the NBA, or at least be the mascot for the Seattle Sonics. What did the Sonics do to make them lose their “Super,” status? Isn’t a Supersonic better than a regular Sonic? I’m sure it’s somehow Shawn Kemp’s fault. This wolf is ruining my post. He’s just circumnavigating, most likely scavenging for food, i.e. me. This comment has little relevance to anything. And, for that, I apologize.

Trebuchet said...

Pat, darling, the Sonics are still technically the Supersonics. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

My biggest wolf-related question is why in the world did being part wolf make TeenWolf a better basketball player? I mean, it's not like he became a kangaroo or something with obvious basketball advantages... he just became incredibly hairy and a little quicker. Have you ever seen a wolf jump? They have the vertical of a zoo hippo. I simply cannot understand it.

Anonymous said...