"Be David Caruso in 'Jade'."

My foot is healed. Thank you for your concern. I still haven't caught the little/enormous creature who bit me, but trust me: I'm trying. Have you ever seen Spider Tape? That stuff is all over my house. When I catch that spider, he's in serious trouble.

In other news, a reader (Lebatron) recently pointed me to his blog, which I took a peek at today. If you read the post linked above, you'll find that he has figured out that women love mysterious confidence (a tactic I refer to as MC). Which reminded me of my friend, who I affectionately refer to as "The Guppy", and how he discovered the wonders of well-executed MC.

For those of you unfamiliar with MC: Even men with serious shortcomings (peg legs, wives, lobotomies, unemployment, a criminal record or a combover) can, by properly executing the MC, get women. Jealous witnesses find this mysterious. Also, it IS mysterious. Hence the name.

Anyway, The Guppy is the most awkward man on the planet in typical social situations. He does this thing where he just sorta opens and closes his mouth with big, surprised eyes when it's his turn to talk, letting a few nonsensical syllables slip out before wilting like a snotty tissue and darting away. The Guppy is reasonably good looking and doesn't drink, but he has a crappy job, no drive, plays videogames 8-15 hours per day, is totally nerdy but has a very small vocabulary and totally lacks a sense of style. He is terrified of women, who throw him into intense Guppy mode, down to the damp, dead-fish handshake. He just has absolutely zero game.

I'm embarrassed how often I refer to the movie "40 Year Old Virgin", as I didn't even find it that funny, but there's a scene where Andy Stitzer gets some advice from his friend on how to talk to women. His friend's advice is to "...be David Caruso in Jade". <<<<< David Caruso in Jade, obviously. Guppy must have watched this movie. Either that, or he stumbled into his golden ticket.

You see, one night, the Guppy decided to throw a few drinks back at party we dragged him out to. Well, it turns out that alcohol magically turns off all the little ticks and causes Guppy to just stand and brood, which (to the disbelief of the noisy "look at me" type guys there) attracted the attention of two very beautiful, if a little scandalous, girls who spent the greater part of the night competing for his attention. Finally, something in him must have clicked, because he totally pulled an epic MC:

With both hands, one pointed at each girl, Guppy made the "come hither" motion with his pointer fingers. He then turned and strode into a back bedroom. He didn't say a single word. I don't even think he smiled. 35 minutes later he emerged, drunk and disheveled, saying things like "I didn't know where to put my hands!" and "What did I just do?". Yes, folks, the Guppy had a threesome-esque encounter -- almost by accident. He learned (and taught all the other male witnesses present) an invaluable lesson in the MC.

You see, with MC, it is possible to convince women (particularly dense, desperate or drunk women) that you are entirely as cool and desireable as you wish you actually were.

Have a good weekend! (And try it out, Caruso. It's a gem.)