April 03, 2006

A month in review: Ten things I learned in March

1. Karma is a vegetarian bitch.

The moment I decide that I'm finally going to just have a burger or hot dog after a night out (vegetarianism be damned) will also be the moment the nearest burger joint gets raided by the cops and the two hot dog stands outside the bar I'm leaving will sell their very last kielbasas to two dudes who get there right before me, like they knew I was coming.

2. The maximum spraying distance of a can of Pepsi punctured by a tooth is 28 feet.

If you toss a can of soda to your friend's younger brother, some percentage of the time he will drop to his knees and attempt to catch it with his mouth in a moment of grandiose idiocy. When he does this, his tooth will puncture the can while the can punctures his lip before bouncing off it and onto the ground. The boy will bleed and grin while the can spins wildly around on the carpet as if posessed, spraying the entire room (ceiling, walls, couches, windows, and your face -- 28 feet away) with a hydrant-esque column of foamy, hissing Pepsi. It will take nearly 25 minutes to find and wipe down all the surfaces covered in the "brown and bubbly", and it will take all day for your eyes to stop stinging from a combination of the soda and the crying from laughing so hard. (The boy will not require stitches.)

3. I resemble Lisa Loeb.

Thanks to her new reality show, Lisa Loeb is back, and that means people are remembering what she looks like. And thanks to my terrible vision and a bad contact prescription, I am wearing my glasses (totally nerdy black-framed "librarian-esque" glasses) much more often than I used to. These two factors have collided at such a time that my friends are regularly referring to me as "one-hit wonder". This is not as bad as the fact that every time I walked into the room two weekends ago they all started singing "Stay" very dramatically and with total disregard for the stares coming from everyone else in the immediate vicinity. Which served, strangely, to embarrass the shit out of me, even though I wasn't the one singing.

[Please note: I only very vaguely resemble Lisa Loeb. It's the glasses that fucked me on this one. That and the fact that my friends have very little vision or creativity, which sounds like a drag, but has its perks. For example, while I now have a lame nickname and theme song, I also get to watch them do things like attempt to each finish entire gallons of Rossi on a Sunday afternoon while watching every "Godfather" movie ever made without throwing up, and argue about which Air Supply song is better: "Lost in Love" or "All out of Love" while searching the Web for the band's next local concert. By the way, it's in Lewiston, Idaho. Yes, they're road-tripping to it. I know, I know...]

4. My dad has suddenly taken to wearing clogs.

And he doesn't see the humor in this, an old man, wearing clogs. (More on this later.)

5. The amount you volunteer and/or give to charity is directly and positively correlated to the amount of good shit (specifically money) that happens to you.

In my case, I've learned that if I spend two hours volunteering I can expect something ridiculously fortuitous to happen to me within 24 hours. This good thing is usually at least one of the following:

- Money. Random stumbling into money. We're not talking a fiver in last-weeks jeans pockets, either. We're talking "big money, no Whammies" money.
- Freebies. Think theatre tickets, designer clothing, vouchers for massages, etc. Good stuff, comped. Can't beat it.
- Food. Free or significantly discounted, and very gourmet. What? I love great food. A free meal is nearly better than...
- Sex.

6. Sometimes there are so many noteworthy things to write about that I just can't.

March was (clearly) like that. I was totally lame, but totally busy and lots of hilarious, poignant and earth-shattering things happened which I am handicapped to put into words. So there you go. It was good for me, you just don't get any details. Sorry, but then again, get a fucking life of your own. I mean, really. (Just kidding, I love you.)

7. Lychees are delicious.

They're bizarre looking Asian fruits with a strong perfumey smell and come in scary-looking cans, but make great cocktails and a delicious flavor of gelato.

8. I don't know jack.

I discovered this when attempting to play Trivial Pursuit. The game's content, contrary to its title, is not, in fact, trivial. I mean, I have no idea what LA Ram lineman was voted to the Pro Bowl eleven times, and I think that's trivial. But I should damn well be able to answer questions pertaining to the order of American Presidents, the events of the Civil War, and be able to name the six fields of contribution in which Nobel Prizes are given each year.

So, to rectify this embarrassing situation, I have committed myself to reading only non-fiction books for the next eleven years of my life (arbitrary number of years -- ten seemed too few while a dozen seemed very cliche) or until I beat the smartest friend I have at Trivial Pursuit, whichever comes first.

9. Epithet and epitaph are NOT the same word, I have no idea when it's appropriate to use a dash ( -- ) when writing but don't care, the slash ( / ) is called a "virgule", a Titmouse is actually a bird, not a rodent, and Paul Revere made George Washington's false teeth.

Huh. See? I'm learning things already.

10. I like beards.

On men. (Not so much on women. The lady who works at the gas station closest to my house actually has a beard. More on this later, too. But for now, let's just say it's not pretty. Poor thing.)

Apparently, I like beards on men quite a bit, because the moment I see a bearded man, I find myself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. This is particularly disturbing when the bearded man is a bum. This love of beards may well be a phase, I realize, (something like trying to date the underwear model and that week where all I ate was cottage cheese), but I think it's a healthy thing for me. They scream "alpha male", which is the type of man I should be transitioning to kissing, as the betas in my past haven't worked out so well for me.

Also, beards, it turns out, are particularly a weakness of mine when paired with glasses, a suit, or a dog. (Obviously representing brains, success and adventure.) Who knew?


minijonb said...

It's rare that I meet people who have this beard fixation. Back in my college days, I dated a girl who had a similar thing for facial hair. She said she probably wouldn't have even noticed me if I didn't have a beard. She was right. After we broke up and after I saved off my beard, I saw her walking down the main campus drag and said hi. She didn't recognize me. Maybe I need to grow another one to get women to notice me now... at least a goatee on the avatar =;-)

Mister Underhill said...

I had a beard for a while in college, mostly due to laziness. it didn't look bad, but considering how beutiful I am, it's silly to cover up my face.

Lisa Loeb is hot, and I lurve librarian glasses.

Regarding dad, that is truly hilarious...it brings to mind the tenacious D. How's the CLOGGING coming along, KYLE? I worked with a guy named Kyle when that came out, and I would obnoxiously ask him that every day. it never bothered him, though,a nd he would put his hands on his hips and do a 5 minute (literally 5 minutes) dance right int he halway with everyone watching and laughing their asses off.

I wouldn't worry so much about knowing stuff - contextless information is pointless.

Trebuchet said...

Hi, Minijon!

Underhill: I'm going for information WITH context. Yes, I want trivia, but I also need the big picture. Otherwise I stay right where I am: with lots of useless information about a variety of things but no large, overarching perspective on the world, life, and all that other boring adult shit.

But I also think random trivia is a great and useful thing to have. It's like a superpower or being a girl who knows how to play pool. It's useful for hustling purposes, gloating purposes and game show purposes. Outside of food, sex and the grocery store, those are possibly my three favorite things. So really, this whole non-fiction education thing is a win-win for me.

(That is, if I stop being a lazy/busy piece of shit and actually start reading.)

minijonb said...

Hi, Lisa Lo... I mean... Hi, Trebuchet! Sorry, that was weak. Please forgive me.

Useless trivia is overrated. It just fills your head until it's so full, you can't access the info when you need it. I took the online test for Jeopardy! last week. I had so many brain farts it was ridiculous.

unbonhomme said...

Free food is *NOT* better than sex.

Considering that I am someone that had free food last night and haven't had sex in some time, I can tell you, I'd have traded in a heart-beat.

unbonhomme said...


Lisa Loeb is hot...but clearly insane, if you've ever seen the show...you're in the know.