February 08, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith: death of an All-American girl

In case you didn't hear, Anna Nicole Smith collapsed in a Florida hotel this afternoon and died. It's sad, really. She was such an all-American girl, you know?

I mean, isn't it just the classic story of the girl next door?

Girl is born to inbred family of six children, girl works in fried chicken before deciding she makes more money slinging her own breasts, which she does with great bleached-blonde gusto until the fateful day she rubs all up on an octegenarian who she later finds out is worth some cool 400 million dollars. Girl marries bag of bones, poses in Playboy and lands Guess Jeans deal, bag of bones dies, girl feuds with b.o.b's family for inherritance, b.o.b's family dies, girl gets paid, stars in reality TV show, hooks up with her own lawyer, gets hugely obese, gets bogus diet pill promotion deal, loses weight and more brain mass, gets knocked up, gives birth to child with no baby's daddy in another country, girls oldest son dies in hospital room once girl gives birth to daughter, girl gets involved in bitter paternity dispute, then crazy eviction suit, then bunk diet pill promotion suit, finally collapsing in the a hotel room at age 39, dead.


Gives us dreamers something to aspire to, really.

I've started an office pool on how long before an Anna Nicole tell-all biography hist the shelves, followed shortly by a movie based on her life and a made-for-TV special. And can't you just hear conservative midwestern mothers everywhere barely holding back the "serves her right"s and "i told you so"s while their Twinkie-eating daughters stuff themselves into designer jeans and wail in anguish?

The real brainteaser is how long until little Dannilynne becomes a promiscuous, addicted child star/stripper? I give her eleven years, tops... and that's only if somebody can keep Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan's hands off her before then.

Poor girl. What a legacy. On the upside, she'll almost undoubtedly be filthy rich, right?

1 comment:

unbonhomme said...

How we'll miss Ms. Smith (or is she technically Mrs?) fucksucks who can keep track.

I guess E! is prolly busy re-doing her 'true hollywood story' eh?